Using And Instead of But

Ever had anyone respond to you, “Yes, but, I see it this way”? Well, the message sent by the use of the word but is that what you said may be true but the second part, the part after the but, is really more important. You may feel that you are being told that their viewpoint is more important than your viewpoint. How often do you send this message to others?

If you heartily believe that your viewpoint is more important than someone else’s and if you have no desire to improve your relationships with others, this idea isn’t for you.

Here is a tip that gives equal weight to your viewpoint and the other person’s viewpoint:

Replace the word “but” with the word “and” in your sentences.

This simple idea can have dramatic effects on your own thinking and in your relationships. Let’s consider this a bit deeper.

The words and and but are conjunctions (con – with; junction -joining). Conjunctions are words that bring together two parts of a sentence. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines and as: “used to join elements of equal grammatical value”. Human behaviors can also be conjunctive by joining people with equal human value. Some language conjunctions, i.e. and, are more likely to be humanly conjunctive (bonding, joining) than other language conjunctions, i.e. but. That’s a convoluted statement.

There are challenges to making this change from and to but.

The first challenge is that you may not want to acknowledge that the other person’s viewpoints, feelings, or ideas are equally important to yours. Making them equally important challenges your ego and your desire to be acknowledged as better or more important.

The second challenge is that we don’t like to hold two seemingly competing ideas as equally important at the same time. As humans, it is easier to have only one truth, but when two persons are sharing their feelings, both people’s feelings are equally truthful. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are the personal experiences of an individual. Your feelings and mine are valid even when they differ about a shared experience.

Well, if you are willing to address these challenges, give this idea a try. Replace the word but with the word and to see whether it improves communication by promoting the importance of both people and their thoughts and feelings. Maybe using this linguistic idea will reduce the times people think of you as a “butt”.